Friday, November 30, 2007

Welcome To December

For starters...here's some seasonal humor, courtesy of Janet...




























Happy Holidays. I have a headache this morning but I got the tree up last night!


...now this is baaaad taste, Janet!


THE BAPTIST BATHROOM

A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but could not bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode." Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally, she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote, "Does your campground have its own "B.C.?"

When the campground owner received the letter, he could not figure out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there was a letterhead on the paper, which referred to a Baptist Church.

Therefore, he sent this reply:

Dear Madam, The B.C. is located nine miles from the campground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly.

No doubt, you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of each week. Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it. The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there.

We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them.

Unfortunately, my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly.

It has been a good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there.


Eating Tips for the Holidays.

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an 'eggnog-aholic' or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.


4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert -- Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Now why ANYONE would want to read a male-bashing joke is beyond me, but for those who do, this was Janet's offering...



See ya'll next week hopefully. *ggg*

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5 Comments:

At 3:52 PM, Blogger Judge Rufus Peckham said...

Good male bashing joke! It would, of course, be much funnier if the genders were reversed -- it would ring more true.

 
At 4:17 PM, Blogger Lyn Cash said...

I tend to agree (mother of a son) - lol - except that I don't know many women strong enough to lift the spade. (or willing, if it came down to it)

I guess that's what friends in low places are for, huh?

I've been watching too many reruns of Oh!'s "Snapped!" as I write - can ya tell?

Thanks for stopping by!

 
At 9:16 AM, Blogger Merry said...

Richard appreciated the last joke, even said the last sentence with me. Obviously, the man is more literate than I suspected.

I'd never hit him with a club.

Yet.

 
At 10:36 AM, Blogger Lyn Cash said...

*snort*

 
At 10:42 AM, Blogger Cat Marsters/Kate Johnson said...

Love these! That last one reminded me of a t-shirt I have:

It is important to find a man who has a gold credit card.

It is important to find a man with a sense of humour.

It is important to find a man who is kind and considerate.

It is important to find a man who is good in bed.

It is important that these four men never meet.

 

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