feelin' funkyI’ve had to face some ugly truths about myself this past year, and it’s rather stymied my ability to write. One of the things I’ve had to face is that I’m limited. I have limitations as far as physical ability to do things I’d like to do. I’m also emotionally challenged in that I hold myself back, for whatever insane reason. A third impediment is that I overindulge my ego, thinking that if I don’t get something done right away, I can always come back to it. The fallacy with that is that quite often what I leave undone isn’t the same when I go back to it. It’s like leaving out a slice of bread to toast and getting sidetracked. Later becomes too late, and the bread is stale. The balance in the bank has changed. The calories or carbs I’d thought to curb have gained momentum and picked up a few friends on their spiral into the abyss.
The first dilemma is a given. I know when I’m overdoing things. I’m just too proud to admit I’m not on par, that the goal and the deadline don’t mesh well. It’s difficult for me to ‘take it easy’. I’m an all-or-nothing personality, either so laid back I’m damned near comatose or so driven that I can’t put the brakes on before I crash. But I think I can lick this one.
Problem #2 is more serious for me, because I’m a people pleaser, and folks generally don’t like overachievers. They also don’t like slackers. (See problem #1, the hair-on-fire-or-in-lap person.) Finding that delicate balance within myself is just damned difficult for me. I want to write, to do well, to contribute to family funds, to be able to do the things I want to do while still doing the things that need to be done for the sake of survival and keeping others off of my ass. I just don’t want to do them on someone else’s schedule or measure myself by their yardstick, and for some reason schedules and yardsticks seem more prolific than my verbiage.
I suppose that these idiosyncrasies feed off of one another. If I took care of #3 and simply got off my arse and did what needed to be done, I wouldn’t have #2, and if I whip #2 into shape by getting rid of my need to be all things instead of 1 thing…ME, #1 should be easier to handle.
Ever tried giving up nicotine, sweets, and well-intentioned but misplaced illusions about yourself, and justifications all at the same time? Makes me wanna smack my forehead and shout “I could have had a V-8!”
I’ll have mine with vodka, on the rocks, please.