Wednesday, January 20, 2010

feelin' funky

I’ve had to face some ugly truths about myself this past year, and it’s rather stymied my ability to write. One of the things I’ve had to face is that I’m limited. I have limitations as far as physical ability to do things I’d like to do. I’m also emotionally challenged in that I hold myself back, for whatever insane reason. A third impediment is that I overindulge my ego, thinking that if I don’t get something done right away, I can always come back to it. The fallacy with that is that quite often what I leave undone isn’t the same when I go back to it. It’s like leaving out a slice of bread to toast and getting sidetracked. Later becomes too late, and the bread is stale. The balance in the bank has changed. The calories or carbs I’d thought to curb have gained momentum and picked up a few friends on their spiral into the abyss.

The first dilemma is a given. I know when I’m overdoing things. I’m just too proud to admit I’m not on par, that the goal and the deadline don’t mesh well. It’s difficult for me to ‘take it easy’. I’m an all-or-nothing personality, either so laid back I’m damned near comatose or so driven that I can’t put the brakes on before I crash. But I think I can lick this one.

Problem #2 is more serious for me, because I’m a people pleaser, and folks generally don’t like overachievers. They also don’t like slackers. (See problem #1, the hair-on-fire-or-in-lap person.) Finding that delicate balance within myself is just damned difficult for me. I want to write, to do well, to contribute to family funds, to be able to do the things I want to do while still doing the things that need to be done for the sake of survival and keeping others off of my ass. I just don’t want to do them on someone else’s schedule or measure myself by their yardstick, and for some reason schedules and yardsticks seem more prolific than my verbiage.

I suppose that these idiosyncrasies feed off of one another. If I took care of #3 and simply got off my arse and did what needed to be done, I wouldn’t have #2, and if I whip #2 into shape by getting rid of my need to be all things instead of 1 thing…ME, #1 should be easier to handle.

Ever tried giving up nicotine, sweets, and well-intentioned but misplaced illusions about yourself, and justifications all at the same time? Makes me wanna smack my forehead and shout “I could have had a V-8!”

I’ll have mine with vodka, on the rocks, please.

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7 Comments:

At 7:14 PM, Blogger Katy Madison said...

Jeez. We love you whether your hair is on fire or not. Don't try to change everything at once, just take babysteps.

 
At 7:48 AM, Anonymous Heather Rae Scott said...

Huh. Now I know why we can commisserate so well together.

I agree with Katy, although that's easy. Taking the baby steps isn't. I think you should start with taking the pressure off yourself a little. Screw the other things. I know it's hard. But if the kitchen sink is going at it like bunnies and producing more, let it start to stink and eventually someone else will have to take care of it. Maybe once the smell is horrid and they have to be the ones whose nose is assaulted, they'll think better of not leaving shit. Same with laundry. If they have nothing to wear, they'll be forced to do laundry or stink.

I know you feel obligated. Comes with the territory of being a mom. But you need more #1. You owe it to yourself to have more time with #1.

*taps fingers* Besides, I'm waiting for a story to start hitting my inbox. His name is Julio and man, I have to know his story.

 
At 10:55 AM, Blogger Lyn Cash said...

aaw. thanks, ladies. Sometimes I don't know whether I need a hug or a kick in the butt. Probably both.

This is precisely why I adore my writer friends. They 'get it' - lol.

 
At 12:56 PM, Blogger Heather Snow said...

All or nothing...if I had to describe myself in three words, those would be the ones I would choose, were I being honest. So I can really understand your struggles and how we can make it worse on ourselves.

Part of that mentality is that babysteps seem totally foreign to us, we reach our hand into the candy jar but can't get it back out again because we refuse to drop even one gumball...we must keep them all to feel like we've succeeded.

You are trying to do a lot, and I completely get it. I do the same. Maybe what we need to do is become recovering all-or-nothingers and tackle only two or three at a time. (I know better than suggesting one...as if! :) )

Keep at it, babe. Set yourself just a couple of reasonable goals, then build momentum. I'll try to do the same. You'll get there. (((hugs)))

 
At 10:27 PM, Blogger Lyn Cash said...

Thanks, Heather. Needed that. (the subtle hint to LET GO of what doesn't work so I can latch onto what does...whether you knew you were handing me that or not - lol).

And to think that I've been so gung ho on helping other writers (in our local group) to set goals.

 
At 11:42 AM, Blogger Denise Patrick said...

Hey, it was good to hear from you. I didn't get your emails in December. If you sent them to my gmail account, they were probably lost when the account got hacked. (It's a long story, so I won't go into it, but it happened while I was in Germany, so I didn't know what was going on until I got back home.)

If you sent them anywhere else, I don't know what happened, then. Oh, well.

Sounds like the stress is getting to you - don't let them win!! I won't repeat everyone else's advice, except to say, little steps will still make progress toward your goal. Take care of yourself - everything else will follow.

Now, if I could only take my own advice, I'd be set. :~D

 
At 9:40 PM, Blogger Ashley Ladd said...

I'm a people pleaser, too, and it's hard. I wish I wasn't. I'm working on it.

I know it's easier said than done, but don't be so hard on yourself.

 

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