Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Help! My ass has fallen and can’t get up!

I had the most depressing bathing experience of my life this morning. Just before I stepped into the shower, I caught my reflection, and I wondered when that woman with the wrinkled old ass had gotten behind me.

WTF? I walk! A lot! I climb stairs. I’ve lost weight. So WTF indeed?

Upon further examination, I came to the realization that my mind and heart had traveled north and my ass had stayed in Oklahoma. Before the ritual was over, I was terrified to look down, fearing my ankles might have migrated to Mexico. When the hell had this happened?

It’s what you get, I told myself, for sniggering about Michael Douglas’s saggy southern hemisphere in
Basic Instinct. (Seems someone else agrees with me – lol.) Too bad you don’t have his gazillions so you can buy a new one. *sigh* Okay, enough with the not-so-cromulent comments about Mr. Douglas’s butt.

I should have known when X proclaimed for anyone to hear at a writers’ conference in Reno that she meant it literally when she said “This woman has no ass.” She wasn’t being kind, telling me I was losing weight – she was being dead-on honest. The SOB is just friggin’ gone, and I’m a tad slow in catching on to that fact.

I suppose it could be
worse. *rolls eyes* No, thanks. I’ll keep my wrinkled form as it is. I’m just thankful I never got that rose tattooed on the left cheek—it’d be a hibiscus by now.



At 3:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm having a not-so-good day. Checking your blog has made it better. I had that "checking the ass" experience a year ago. Have never looked back - so to speak. (The stuff of scary movies...)
I am still laughing at the rose/hibiscus tattoo visual.

Thanks - you live up to your blog name.

At 7:18 PM, Blogger Michele said...

No Ass?
That's a problem?
I think a tattoo anywhere is a risky thing.
Flabby arms, saggy boobs, shifting tummys and elastogen depletion wreck havoc with any work of ink art.
I saw a female cop, about 70 years old (Heck she was a Sharpei in wrinkles) directing traffic in a small town. She was COVERED in tattoos.

Somehow your hibiscus is better sounding than a blurred panorama of colors a la Burt the Chimney sweep from Mary Poppins.

( you rememmber, when it rained and the colors all rain together to make a smooshy mess?)

OK, so I'm stretching it.

I still enjoyed your post.
But WOW , were you on a roll with posts today.

At 10:12 AM, Blogger Lyn Cash said...

Beth, I've just spent the last 30 minutes reading your blog and that of your friend Trish. Kewl stuff.

THANKS - lol. To you, as well, Michele. I'm a goober, most likely, for even posting about such a thing, but the freakin' shock was still with me when I wrote. *snigger*

At 12:59 PM, Blogger Amie Stuart said...

You are not alone *g* S'all I'm saying

At 2:15 AM, Blogger Lyn Cash said...

geezus, Michele - a sharpei directing traffic - I am still working on repeating that to myself without cracking up...

Bless you, Ames.

Thing that bugs the crap outta me is that I'm fat as a bear everywhere else, or so it seems. Just lost the rear.

At 7:02 AM, Anonymous lyvvie said...

Oh OH! I know the best bum exercise that'll have those cheeks perky in no time - weighted lunges! Honest. Trust me, I'm a professional. Get a couple of five pound weights, one for each hand and do ten lunges each leg. You'll feel it the next day, but give it eight weeks of twice a week lunging and you'll have no more saggy bits and that rose will be blooming beautiful.

At 10:27 PM, Blogger Lyn Cash said...

Lyvvie, THANKS! (I realize I misspelled your name on today's blog - need to correct that, but just in case you checked back here, THANK YOU!)

Any advice for Beth? (She blogged on today's blog - worried about her back, which I can see as a concern for a few...including moi, but...I'm doing it and asking questions later - lol. Typical of me.)


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