Saturday, October 16, 2010

some days we should just stay in bed

Helluva summer. Interesting autumn. Lots going on - I haven't blogged much - sorry (to the two or three of you who visit). I'll skip the maudlin parts that have happened and cut to the "why I should have stayed in bed today" part.

400 pages of critiquing for friends and CPs...okay...been there, done that, almost done, but I have 8 contest entries to judge for someone. No big deal. Okay, it is, and I'm sick as a dog, but I'll get 'er done.

Go to store for Puffs with lotion (gotta have that softness during hard times), diabetic cough syrup, ice-cream, and pistachios. Gimme a break. A girl needs her comfort foods and stuff. So I've perused the aisles and can't find the damn nuts. It's late and I want to go home. There's a cute guy squatting in aisle 10, stocking the lower shelves. I'm worried about having enough $$ on me for the pistachios and want to check the prices between two brands, but I can't find either brand.

Me: Excuse me?

Cute guy: Yes?

Me: I need to see your nuts.

CG: Excuse me? You want to see my...what is it you're looking for?

Me: (turning red) Your nuts, please. (I can't think of the word pistachio to save my ass.)

CG: (flustered and trying to rise, not making it - and he can't talk, only point for a second to the next aisle over): 11. Aisle 11.

I nod, unable to say thank you. There's a scraping sound - shoes scuffing floor? Someone farting? I have no idea - I only hope it's not me. I see him fall and his butt hit the ground from the corner of my eye. (And we used to think it was bad having to ask where the tampons were. I can't wait until the day I have to ask for adult diapers.)

Aisle 11 - still no nuts. Well, one - me. So I shuffle toward the front to check out, and a clerk who knows me asks how the writing's going and asks if I found everything. I mumble something about the damn nuts, and she sends a nice, tall, elderly man for them. He's gone forever - I have the line backing up behind me, waiting. And he's deaf as a post to boot, so he talks rather loudly. He comes back announcing to all "We can't seem to find our nuts tonight. Give me a minute." And he takes off again.

By then, everyone is sniggering up their sleeves or pissing themselves. Evidently, I'm not the only one in the store with a dirty mind.
* * *
I get to the car and daughter-in-law wants to know what took me so long.

Me: Don't ask.

So...I'm not critiquing tonight. I'm not judging manuscripts. I'm going back to bed, where I should have stayed all along.

More next time...



At 3:04 PM, Blogger Denise Patrick said...

But, I wanna know if you got your nuts?!? ROFL

And, I hope you're feeling better, soon. Colds are the worst.

At 12:18 AM, Blogger Lyn Cash said...

Yes! I have NUTS. *grin*

At 12:19 AM, Blogger Lyn Cash said...

And thank you.

At 3:41 AM, Blogger Lyvvie said...

You hussy, tormenting the young man with questions about his nuts.

Reminded me of Harry Enfield's Saucy old ladies.

Not that your old. Saucy, yes.

At 3:29 PM, Blogger Lyn Cash said...

omg, Lyvvie - ROFLMAO!!!!!!

I'm not QUITE that bad. *snort*

- hehe - good to see you!

At 11:22 PM, Blogger Jackie Bannon said...

You know, I would have loved to have been there. I have yet to see you embarrassed and that would have been worth laughing so hard I peed my pants!

At 8:21 PM, Blogger Alexis Fleming said...


Oh, I'm sorry for laughing, Sunny, but that is just so funny. It's almost as good as the fairy having sex story in the elevator. I still laugh at that one.

At 7:30 AM, Blogger Gretchen said...

:) too much Sunny!

At 11:35 AM, Blogger Lyn Cash said...

aahahaha - I'd forgotten about the fairy in the elevator. Lex. boy, we caused a stir that night. shocked a few folks.

*waves to Gretchen & Jackie* You two are usually WITH me when I have my foot in my mouth.


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