Sunday, March 16, 2008

This writer's life today...

To all my friends and family who in 2007 sent me chain letters, 'angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something:

NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED!

For 2008, could you please just send money, Diet Coke, chocolate, movie tickets, gasoline vouchers and airline tickets instead?

To those who send "you'll have bad luck if you don't forward this..." PLEASE STOP - I hate that crap - I REALLY DO - and it makes me want to just delete everything else you send me without opening it.


WHY am I in such a pissy mood today?

Well, let's see. Last night around 10 pm, the family got into a heated fuss, and I stormed off in the freezing cold. Thought I'd better just 'cool off'. Well, I did. I was wearing my friggin' pajamas and a coat. Then I was too proud and stubborn to return for sweats, so I sat on a park bench a half-mile from the house, freezing my ass off. Plus, my thin cotton p.j. pants keep falling down.

I thought Okay, so we were all quitting smoking today. I did well. Till this moment. Now it's time for reinforcments of nicotine, because I can't handle the stress. So I walked to Quick Trip, bought smokes and a large hot fudge cherry cappuccino - Let me tell ya, the sugar and nicotine are really good for a diabetic without her inhaler who is a half-mile from home. *rolling my eyes*

I walk back to the park bench and sit. Too tired and too cold to budge. Wondering if they'll find my frozen body, sans pants on the ass, chocolate dribbling from my swollen, blue lips. Maybe some dog-walker will find me when Fido pisses on my legs and everyone realizes I'm not a stone statue.

Three teenage boys pass, laughing and cutting up. I flip them off when they stare at me. It's like I'm daring them to give me shit just so I can release the mad-on I've carried for several minutes.

Phone rings. It's Lex in Australia. I tell her what an asshole I've been. She chuckles and says she's sorry but that things will work out. You just need to go home. I tell her that I will. But I don't just yet. I sit some more. Sipping my cappie. The boys come back by. I glare at them this time. Phone rings again.

Son asks: Where are you?

I tell him: cooling off.

Son: Want me to come get you?

Me: HELL, NO. (I'm still an asshole.) Thanks anyway.

We go through this back and forth for several minutes before he talks me into letting him pick me up. Then he says he can't tell where I am.

Me: I'm an old white woman in a leather coat and pajamas, with the pants around her knees because they keep falling the fuck off - I'm holding a cappuccino in one hand and my middle finger is flying on the other - you can't miss me!

We get back home.

"Did you buy cigarettes?"

"Don't start with me, kid."

"No, I'm serious. I want a cigarette."

I toss him the pack. His face reflects his hurt and disappointment.

"Mom!"

"DON'T START WITH ME."

That was last night. This morning, I wake to brewed coffee. Daughter-in-law fixes me a cup and wants to talk. Apologizes. I apologize.

She wants a cigarette - I tell her to take 3 or 4. After all, son is still asleep, and I'm still quitting. Just not yesterday.

I open my email. Another fucking chain letter. I delete it without even swearing and listen to the sounds of my pets snoring, knowing that they and the kids without fur are okay.


My doctor has been telling me to eat more foods with color. I'm sure he meant carrots, beans, salads, that sort of thing, but...I'm still chasing last night's cappuccino.




We are all good. Now I can write.




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15 Comments:

At 12:15 PM, Blogger Amie Stuart said...

>>you can't miss me!

LMFAO!!!!!! Bless your heart! So you forgot shoes but took your purse. that's classic.

 
At 12:27 PM, Blogger Lyn Cash said...

had money in my coat pocket - YES, had shoes, though - just didn't change into sweats, so had a ratty tee (no bra) and thin cotton pj pants *sigh*

live 'n learn, huh?

good to see you!

 
At 2:44 PM, Blogger Alexis Fleming said...

ROFL You've got no butt as it is. Freeze it off and I'm going to be the only one around here with a fat ass.

Glad you got home okay, though.

 
At 3:14 PM, Blogger Lyn Cash said...

Glad you got home okay, though.

Bit of thanks to you for that. You calmed my nerves. I knew I had to be pretty spooky looking when 3 teenage boys were afraid to approach me that second time.

Felt like such a jerk. Milked that martyrdom, I did.

 
At 3:59 PM, OpenID relliott4 said...

I shouldn't be laughing so hard. The hubby and I were just talking about his quitting and I read him this. Told him you guys nearly killed each other the first day.

I'm glad you got home okay.

 
At 5:30 PM, Anonymous Amie said...

I'm off work....hopefully if I can get the cord to the camera out I'll FINALLY post pics of my closet! LOL

 
At 5:33 AM, Blogger Lyn Cash said...

lol, Rinda (AND Amie)...

Amie, you and that closet - I'm jealous.

Rinda, I have had better nights than that one. I am sooo going to try kicking this habit, though.

 
At 8:29 AM, Blogger Beth said...

Sorry to hear about your "rough time" but I admire your spunk in just walking out. I usually just do my martyr routine in my bedroom. If I take it further, I'll have learned from you - wear pj bottoms that don't fall down!
And I'm so with you re: all those bloody chain letters. DELETE!

 
At 8:52 AM, Blogger Merry said...

Commiserations...okay, I'm laughing. I'm sorry.

Good thing Lex called ya. You'd probably still be sitting there with what's left of your butt frozen to the bench. Thanks, Lex!

Or gotten stoned...by the pea-sized hail we got this morning!

Quitting's tough. The easiest part is the say it. The hardest part is to do it. Hang in there.

Love ya!

 
At 9:04 AM, Blogger Lyn Cash said...

:)

Well, I've said "I quit" before and only managed to do so for about a month.

Can you believe this weather?????

I've been looking at seed catalogues and dreaming of what I'd plant, where I'd plant it, etc. Looking at Farmer's Almanac stuff and imagining warmer weather to boot - lol. Maybe if I can get active, walk more, get back to the gym, do some planting, I won't think about smoking.

 
At 9:35 AM, Blogger Kate R said...

Ugh..sounds super shitty.
Okay, so I'm sniggering but it's WITH you, not just at you and hey laughing is good. They say laughing at yourself is better than anything. I'd say having Lex on speed dial (or rather, Lex having you on hers) is best.

I raise my morning coffee to you and I extend my middle finger in a joint salute to chain letters and pj pants that fall down.

 
At 11:56 AM, Blogger Sam said...

I know, I shouldn't be laughing, but I know how you felt. I've stormed off in many a pickle and lived to regret it. I also quit smoking, and I am SO glad I never have to go through that again.
And yes, yes, yes for those f*ing chain letters.
How about some nettle soup? I bet that has lots of vitamins?

 
At 6:09 PM, Blogger Lyn Cash said...

I'd say having Lex on speed dial (or rather, Lex having you on hers) is best.

Oh TELL ME - lol. Thanks, Kate.

How about some nettle soup?

That is something I've never tasted! Now I must google for a recipe. Have one you can send me that's really tasty?

And you smoked???? *sigh* It's so freakin' hard to quit. NEVER thought I'd be addicted, never.

 
At 7:55 PM, OpenID relliott4 said...

You can do it! And as for tantrums and walking out, I pulled a doozy one night and spent most of it in the parking lot of a full motel. (g)

 
At 10:42 AM, Blogger Lyn Cash said...

get outta here - YOU, RINDA???

 

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