Sunday, May 28, 2006

Today's Politics in Simple Terms

Explaining politics to your youngster goes like this: Remember Hurricane Katrina from last year? Well, Bill used to live there, but he doesn’t want to go back—he wants to live in Washington, DC, where his friends live and have this club—yeah, kind of like Boy Scouts, only they use their wallets instead of Boy Scout knives to fight their way through the woods. Mommy will explain that later.

Think of you and your friends playing on the playground at McDonald’s. Bill discovered a treasure map showing him where to find the Happy Meal Maker, and after a while he had all of these hamburgers stored in his freezer…90,000 of them. Even though his friends where he used to live didn’t have any burgers, Bill kept all of them for himself, saving them for when he might get hungry later.

A man named Vernon wanted his own freezer full of Happy Meals. Since Brett had helped Bill find the Happy Meal Maker, Vernon asked Brett to introduce him to Bill. Bill said he’d show Vernon his secret passageway to the Happy Meal maker only if Vernon gave him something. So Vernon handed over 400,000 hamburgers of his own and then Bill told him where the Happy Meal Maker was.

Then Alberto, who is smart but fair, figured out what Bill was doing and didn't like it. Since Alberto was more powerful and smarter than anyone else on the playground, he told Bill to hand over the Happy Meal Maker. When Bill pretended he didn’t know what Alberto was talking about, Alberto stormed up to the playground, drew a line in the sand, and said “I’ll give you 8 months to hand it over, and if you don’t, I’m taking it.” Bill didn’t believe him, so after 8 months, Alberto and his buddies Robert and Paul went to the playground, kicked Bill out, and told him he couldn’t come back to the playground.

Vernon was upset because the Happy Meal Maker Treasure Map didn’t work—he thought Bill had lied to him, so he told Alberto and Robert and Paul what he’d done and that he was sorry. He said he wished he’d never given those 400,000 hamburgers to Bill, because Bill just took them and led him to a broken Happy Meal Maker.

That’s when George, the playground leader, got mad and told them all that he was locking up all the Happy Meals, the Happy Meal Maker, and sealing off the playground so that nobody else could get in for 45 days. He had been in charge of the playground a long time, and he’s the one who invited Alberto, Robert, and Paul to play there in the first place, so he was really ticked off that they did all of this without telling him about the Happy Meal Maker Treasure Hunt. George always wants in on the Treasure Hunts.

Yes, honey, that’s right—now George can destroy all of the prizes before anyone else finds them. Remind Mommy to tell you about the Watergate Scandal some day.

Alberto, Paul, Robert, John, and others have all decided to leave the playground, because they don’t think George makes a good playground leader. They’re probably going to throw a lot of sand in George’s face when they leave, but at least George has Bill on his side…and Dick, and Nancy, even though she’s a bit of a dumb shit and doesn’t realize that the boys don’t want her in their club or need her. Denny is also siding with George, but only because he doesn’t want George to discover the Happy Meals in his own freezer.

This is why it’s good to have chicken once in a while instead of burger, sweetie. They’re not always as tough as beef, but sometimes they’re much easier to swallow. And, too, some of them like Al make interesting movies. You liked Chicken Little and Chicken Run, didn’t you?

I know, honey, Mommy and Daddy aren’t too fond of burgers any more either.

* * *

Yes, it's a mess, but somebody will clean it up eventually.



At 6:59 PM, Blogger Amie Stuart said...

That was hysterical!

At 7:57 PM, Anonymous Doug Hoffman said...

Aaaaaaaah! It makes too much sense now.


Post a Comment

<< Home

Total-e-bound eBooks